One-liners

I don't have a short temper. I have a quick reaction to nonsense.

I asked the librarian for a book on how to be more assertive. She said no.

My cooking is so experimental the smoke alarm is a timer.

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

I was going to quit all my bad habits this year. Then I remembered I don't like to start things I can't finish.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

The shortest distance between two jokes is a straight line. This isn't one.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I told my plants I would water them tomorrow. They didn't buy it.

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills.