One-liners

I don't rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell you later.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

I didn't trip. I was testing gravity. It still works.

My to-do list and I are in a long-distance relationship.

I clapped because it's a Wednesday and we made it.

A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand. I am very balanced.

I replaced the light bulb. The room and I both feel brighter.

I don't rise and grind. I rise and fold the paper.

I made a to-do list. Then I put 'make a to-do list' at the top, so I could tick something.

The kettle and I have an understanding. It boils. I pretend that counts as cooking.